Halachic Issues in Arranging a Shidduch

Haimish_Lchaim_Page_01.pngBecause of the rash of ill-founded attempts online to hook up Jews, like JDate, JMatch, JewishMate, Jtrue, JewHarmony, Heebhookup, Sawyouatsinaitemple, Mustlovekugel, JShtup, JewishAdultFriendFinder, HotYiddishMaidel, MarryForMoney, SemiticSex, and many many more, I realized that we need to promulgate the real Jewish views on dating in order to guide the future generations of Jews on the West Side of Jewhattan, some of whom are already third generation singles. Learning a chapter of this book each morning will help all Jews.

The following is an excerpt from Haimish L’ChaimPublished by Metzorah Press Inc. ©2003/5763 The Haimish L’Chaim Legacy Foundation

Chapter 1: Halachic Issues in Arranging a Shidduch

1. Though everyone feels qualified to be a shadchan, one must exercise great caution.[1]
2. Children born of marriages arranged by untrained shadchanim, G-d Forbid, decide to work, and not learn full-time.[2]
3. Most matchmakers are in it for the money, therefor poskim agree that you should sign pre-shidduch agreements, limiting the amount they can charge.[3]
4. In the event of a good shidduch, a shadchan receives their honorarium, according to all authorities, after the main meal is
served.[4] Some say it can be even after desert.[5]
5. Min Ha Torah[6], Parents have no right to veto or approve potential shidduchim. However, Rabbinically, they can veto a shidduch for any good reason.[7]
6. Speed dating, on-line dating, virtual dating, single-socials, venues where singles may meet, Heaven Forbid, and personal ads are strictly forbidden, because aino makom l’bnei melech.[8] They are permitted in Teaneck.[9]
7. One must first ascertain that you know very little about the potential shidduch, so that you will be impartial.[10]
8. Most authorities permit knowing just a little bit about the other party, however, this is only in a case of hefsed merubah.[11]

1. See Shadchanut K’Hilchasa vol.3, Meor L’Shadachan and Pri Shadchan. The
Bidet Shadchan is lenient here. Most people who get into shidduchim are looking
for quick get-rich schemes and fail to take into account the responsibility.
According to an alternative understanding of the destruction of the Second Beis
Hamikdash found in Midrash Kacha Kacha, G-d destroyed his Temple because of
poor shadchanus. The RU”M of Havana explains this apparent contradiction with
conventional understanding. Was it sinas chinam or poor shadchanus that caused
the churban, destruction? He writes that it is really no contradiction. People
enjoyed setting up their neighbors with children of families they were
incompatible with, so that their own kids could marry the desirable children from
good families. Needless to say, in order to fix the sin that caused the expulsion
from our land, and the destruction of our Holy Temple, we must learn on a daily
basis the halachos of Shidduchim. Only in this way can we hope for a restoration
of our glory, the rebuilding of the Temple, and an end to the Exile.
2. Zohar
3. See Hardsell’s® Matchmaker, Matchmaker Make Me A Match, Find Me A Find,
Catch Me A Catch
, for a suggested pre-shidduch agreement text.
4. See Inyanei Chatunot, by HaRav HaGaon I. M. Broke.
5. The Meor l’Shadchan is lenient. Some say he is actually more stringent, because
he liked to serve desert first, at the Shmorgasborg, and then he had the fruit and
salad plate.
6. Somewhere it says this, trust me.
7. According to the klal in Chosen Mishpat, “Zeh sheh meshalem, hu ha boss.” In
other words, the one who will pay for the mistake gets to nix any good match if it
is financially risky.
8. See Hilchos Bnei Melech. Since it would be unseemly for President George
Bush, Shlita, to put his children into an online dating program, for example, this
is forbidden for all B’nai Yisrael, who are Children of Hashem.
9. As is known, the laws of tinok sheh’ nishbar, are more lenient in rega

rds to
dating and other things.
10. The Alhapanim Gaon, admonishes those who think they know it all. “Who
knows it all if not Hashem. So you think you are so great that you want second-
guess Hashem? Who made you so high and mighty?” See Mussar For Dummies.
11.Commonly translated as “great financial loss.” In our context it refers to “loss
of a great shidduch.”


Preparing for Purim in Socal

giftbasket.jpgThe Wikipedia entry on Purim Torah is slowly gathering some momentum, finishing first in google searches. There are download links to all of my Purim Torah booklets, including the now classic, Haimish L’Chaim: Laws & Customs of Shidduchim.

Today on the Fast of Esther I told over the story of Esther to the UCI Interfaith Center weekly lunch. Enjoying the story were several members of the clergy at the Center, as well as many students who had not heard the story of Esther before. I double checked with the local priest, “It’s in your Bible, right?”

He reassured me that the Book of Esther is in the Authorized Bible editions that they all use, but is not the focus of great attention. I was invited to tell the story at Sunday mass sometime. . .

Meanwhile, the Hamantaschen that failed were relegated as Special Hamentaschen and got their own container. These failed cookies spit out their innards and just jam topped cookies, instead of the real deal.

I raided the Persian Market today for lots of Persian Delicacies to celebrate. There are no less than 7 kosher Persian breads as the local Persian market- maybe more. Got lots of other Persian treats to ensure that we experience Purim with some attention to ethnographic detail.

Most schools are on Spring Break, aka Easter Vacation, and so although I was at UCI today for several hours, I didn’t manage to give out many Hamentaschen. Yesterday, at the Beach Hillel Tent at Long Beach State, they handed out a good number of treats. Some of the members of our Hebrew Hammers Co-Ed Softball Team are dressing up for Purim as “Hammered Hebrews.” It works.

I’ll be heading up to JConnect LA’s Purimpalooza party at The Palace later tonight to check out a replay from the Festival: Moshav and DJ Eric Rosen.

The Sfas Emes wrote that we give Mishloach Manot in order to inspire us to perform the Mitzvah of Ahavas Yisroel, loving your fellow Jew. This basket is my virtual Mishloach Manot to all our readers. Thanks for the love and keep reading and commenting on Jewlicious.

Wishing everyone a joyous and inspirational Purim.

“We have Hebron in Israel and Palestine”

Photo from Facebook group

from facebook group against israelFacebook never dreamed it could become anotherbattleground in the war of ideas, words, and politics that surround the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. When Facebook abruptly changed the country of people who live over the green-line to “Palestine” from “Israel”, Israelis were pissed off. Not wanting to be in their shoes for a second, I can understand why Facebook did a 180 so fast. I mean who wants to be in the way of a group of angry Israelis who found themselves virtually living outside of Israel, even as their government discusses keeping them out of a future Israel.

For their part, Palestinians of the West Bank are threatening to leave Facebook if this compromise reached — that allows Israelis living in major Israeli cities to keep their country as Israel—takes place. The ever pro-Arab Reuters reports:

“Facebook users in the Israeli West Bank settlements of Maale Adumim, Beitar Illit, and Ariel can now choose between Israel and Palestine,” Barker said last week in an email to Reuters….

“We also offer Hebron in both Israel and Palestine,” Barker said… about 18 West Bank settlements were currently listed on Facebook and that many more would be added in the future, giving users the option of choosing Israel or Palestine.

This virtual war within the world of Facebook has been continuing for a while, ever since groups for and against listing Palestine and Israel popped up. Various anti-Israel groups think Israel should not be listed, and some groups want to see the label Palestine disappear too.

Palestinian users have set up their own Facebook group whose members threatened to cancel their accounts if Palestine was removed from the site. Called “If Palestine is removed from Facebook… I am closing my account,” the group has over 4,700 members. [ED: This group does exist but has 4,398 members]

“We created this group to let our voices be heard not only among Facebook’s management but all the users, and to tell everyone that Palestine is and will always be a country,” Saif Qadoumi, the group’s 20-year-old founder, told Reuters.

Those familiar with Facebook realize that these members threatening to leave can come from any place, and that 4,700 out of over 15,000,000+ users is nothing for Facebook to loose, well, uhm face, over. And since this group was created by students from Dalhousie University, it seems even further proof that no one in the West Bank is being disenfranchised Facebook-wise.

And the last bit of irony – if Hamas succeeds in capturing the West Bank, those users can kiss Facebook goodbye anyway, because it will be banned as it is in Syria, Burma, Bhutan, the United Arab Emirates (UAE), and Iran.

ed note: Gawker calls Facebook’s solution “appeasement”

Who bombed a Hillel Israel Fellow?

Molotov_cocktail200.jpgThis just in from Providence RI: Molotovs thrown into the home of a Hillel Israel Fellow. Local police are as usual unsure if this is a hate crime. “At this point, we just don’t know whether to call this a hate crime because we don’t know the motivation,” Deputy Police Chief Paul J. Kennedy said yesterday. Yeh, I imagine they were just trying to share some good times with the official rep of the State of Israel.

By Anshel Pfeffer, Haaretz Correspondent

Two Molotov cocktails were thrown at the home of the Jewish Agency’s representative at Brown University in the United States on Saturday, causing no injuries. The motive behind the attack is not yet known.

The two explosives were hurled into the Hillel delegate’s home in Providence, Rhode Island. One landed in the living room without exploding and was taken for fingerprint analysis. The second hit an external wall, igniting a fire in the yard.

Federal Bureau of Investigation detectives and local police were investigating the incident.

Amos Hermon, head of the Jewish Agency task force on anti-Semitism stressed that while authorities had not yet reached a conclusion on the attack’s motives, radical left-wing groups were increasing anti-Israel and pro-Palestinian activity on U.S. campuses.